Why We Become Defensive When We Feel Threatened
Who triggers you most easily? Your sibling? Your spouse? Whoever it is, remember a time when they gave you feedback about something, anything, and it didn’t land very well with you? Have you ever noticed how quickly defensiveness shows up?
The connection between defensiveness and shame is easy to miss because the protective response often appears before we recognize the vulnerable feelings underneath it.
In myself, I notice the defensive energy first. Immediately, I want to explain myself. My inner press secretary jumps into my defense. What happens for you when you feel misunderstood?
For me, I get a flush of heat coming up my neck. Depending on who is giving me this feedback and how much I fear disconnection from them, I might notice my heart begin to race. All of this is happening automatically while my defense is being built.
When someone triggers your nervous system this way, it can be quite helpful to get curious about the defensiveness. Obviously, when you’re possessed by it, this is very difficult to do. But on reflection, when you’re in a calm place where you’re not going to be disturbed, ask yourself:
“What is this defensiveness trying to protect?”
What Defensiveness Is Really Trying to Protect
Which aspect of you is threatened by this person’s feedback? Does their feedback make you feel less than? Unworthy?
Defensiveness is easier to identify with. We can get a sense of that strong, powerful energy. We can find all the reasons why our perspective makes sense.
But what is that energy protecting?
Usually, what’s underneath is something much more vulnerable. There may be a fear of being disconnected from that person, coupled with a painful feeling of not being cared about, valued, or understood.
Many people hate their own vulnerability.
In session with my clients, when I ask them how they feel toward the vulnerable piece of them, a common response I get is:
“I don’t like it.” “I resent it.” “I want it gone.”
Flip the script for a moment, when you’re the one giving the feedback, do you ever interpret that person’s defensiveness as them being unwilling to listen? Or maybe you suspect the defensive person is trying to skirt responsibility.
But what if this isn’t about a person refusing to hear feedback? What if, underneath the defensiveness, there is a part of them experiencing something much more painful?
The Connection Between Defensiveness, Shame, and the Inner Critic
What if the thing we are protecting ourselves from is not the feedback itself, but what the feedback seems to mean about us?
Those moments can stir up something deeper inside of us. They can bring up feelings of shame that we experience in the body and mind as shutdown, hiding, or that little voice that says:
“Something is wrong with me.” “I’m bad.”
Whether we are the one getting defensive, or the one triggering someone else’s defensiveness, usually shame is lurking nearby.
And when shame appears, it makes complete sense that a part of us would step in to protect us from feeling something so heavy and painful.
Think about a small mistake you made. Let’s say you forgot something, or missed something important. Notice how quickly your inner critic shows up:
“I should have known better.” “How could I have been so irresponsible?” “I’m not cut out for this.”
As I’ve practiced more and more getting to know people’s inner worlds, especially in the context of couples therapy, I can say with more confidence than ever that people’s defensiveness is not only protecting against the external critic, but also their own inner critic.
If your internal critic is already activated, is it any wonder that outside feedback can feel threatening as well?
Understanding Defensive Parts Through an IFS Lens
This defensive part of you is not a personality flaw. It is likely a protective part of you that is carrying a heavy burden.
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we do not try to get rid of these protective parts. Instead, we become curious about them. We begin to understand what they are protecting, and help them trust that they might not have to work so hard.
The part of you that gets defensive is not trying to create problems in your life. It is trying to do its job the best it knows how.
At some point in your life, this protection was necessary. Perhaps the protector learned that explaining, defending, hiding, or fighting back was the best way to keep you safe.
The invitation here is not to judge this part’s protective reaction, but rather to get curious about it.
A Different Relationship With Our Protective Parts
From an IFS perspective, understanding the relationship between defensiveness and shame can help us approach our protectors with curiosity rather than judgment.
The next time you notice defensiveness showing up, perhaps instead of asking:
“Why am I reacting this way?”
you might ask:
“What is this part of me trying to protect?”
The goal is not to eliminate defensiveness. All of us have protective parts that learned important jobs along the way.
Developing a different relationship with our protective parts can lead to profound changes in our lives.
If you are interested in exploring this work more deeply, therapy can be a place to begin building a different relationship with the parts of yourself that have been protecting you.
Robin S. Smith, MS, LCMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in clinical practice. As an MFT, he specializes in relationship issues for couples, families, and individuals, for improved quality of life. His areas of expertise include: transition to parenthood for new and expecting parents, infidelity, sex and intimacy issues, premarital counseling, and trauma. Robin has given talks to various groups including hospital administrators, graduate students, fellow psychotherapists, and child birth educators. He is the primary contributor to The Couple and Family Clinic Blog.
